The challenges of the twenty-first century have forced even the most radical of Islam to make some unpopular changes in their struggling economy as evidenced by the recent article that appeared in Europe. Author unknown.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled join the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 25,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from a shed somewhere in the West Midlands , where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up. "He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using explosives from the waist down, in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Further talks are pending.
In a recent meeting with leaders from both the Shiite and the Sunni sects, the Muftis and Mullah's were forced to agree that radical changes need to be made in the Quran. After much argument and some decent by Al Qaeda, a ruling was made that during the month of Ramadan sex between consenting males should be limited in the hopes of producing more virgins. Sheik Mohamed Hussein Fadalallah said that he hoped that this bold move might relieve some of the shortages in the future and stressed the need for the loyal solders of Islam to return to the tasks at hand and go blow up a school, a bus or a train.
Sheik Mohamed Hussein Fadalallah
It is a very small consolation to know that the Enemy is having a difficult time making ends meet. They have sworn to destroy all of the civilized world and bring us under the domination of Islam. We, as a culture, are fighting for our very lives, so let's not get too choked-up because the rag heads are having a tough time.
The great general George S. Patton said, " Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of men who follow and of the man who leads that gains the victory." We need men like Gen. Patton now more then ever and we need to be the kind of Americans who proudly followed him.